How To Forget Your Ex

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Stay Friends or Never See Each Other Again?
Right and wrong , do and don’t, the extremes of the spectrum are always difficult to define in matters of the heart. However, I might suggest that the course of action that causes the least pain, confusion and most clarity in the long run are good starting points in the emotional arena, for many of our problems are caused because of rash and emotional decision making . I try hard not to be didactic in these columns, I try hard to balance the evidence and come down on the side that will most safely get you through the night but on this one point I am firm: Never see her again. Staying friends suggests that you are at peace with each other, you are not. on this one point I am firm: Never see her again
I can offer no single example where any good has come of continued contact. Perhaps later on – in two or three years time the parties concerned can face each other with a modicum of decorum. I know of at least two couples who are now good friends after a long break and one who are married after having a tumultuous eighteen months together and three years completely apart. This is NOT a strategy, just coincidence, fate if you like. Do not think your situation temporary, that you are merely treading water in the wilderness until you can get back with Ex – you are alone and you should think and act according to the permanence of this situation.
Alan and Tara, friends from my college days were often toasted as the most sane and pleasant of people both as a love-thing unit and as individuals. The break-up was at first an example of exemplary parting, each of them dealing with their inner turmoil by being impeccably adult. They re-arranged their living accommodation so that they had separate rooms and came to an agreement that Alan would in fact move out as he was feeling that a new town might be better for his prospects. They even had a dinner party with both sets of parents to mark the occasion. Their lives went on for several weeks on a civil and indeed friendly basis, bumping into each other in the kitchen and having a weekly admin meeting for the dissolution of their combined affairs – all very United Nations. the break-up was at first an example of exemplary parting
What followed felt like a Greek tragedy, but with hindsight was more Ealing farce. I found myself as the unwitting messenger of news that would set of a chain of events leaving nobody free of scars. Whilst out with Alan I casually asked if he had met Tara’s new boyfriend. Alan came….undone. Tara had broken an agreement – between the good, respectful friends that they were – that they would notify each other of any new romantic situation. And besides, Alan was 'CONSUMED WITH JEALOUSY'. Retribution followed, admin meetings were missed and love and friendship was crushed under the weight of accusation and bitterness . By trying to stay friends, Tara and Alan ensured they never would. They had a relationship that was rich and rewarding for both of them and instead of getting out whilst they were ahead they turned it into a destructive game of chicken, each waiting for the other to betray first.
All break-ups are laced complicated and scary feelings and it is natural for you to want to focus those feelings into something more manageable and clear cut and take the cue to cast yourself as the victim and blame your Ex. Others deny the significance of the relationship and break it down to easily manageable parts. Josh and Bev, a couple besotted with each other tried to stay friends but discovered that outside of the relationship all they really had in common was a penchant for charity shop clothing . "Let’s stay friends" is a hidden agenda after a break-up, it is a sub-clause that says you are still together but you are just experimenting, each of you complicit over seeing which way the wind blows. I am not an extremophile, I am not part of the all or nothing brigade, but I am adamant, staying friends denies the passion, the specialness of a relationship and suggests that love is merely friendship plus sex. If it was, there would be no need for our shared soul-searching taking place on these pages.


© Tim Towle, 1998. All rights reserved.

"Let’s stay friends" is a hidden agenda
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