How To Forget Your Ex - The Tactics of Visual Distraction

The Tactics of Visual Distraction

You know that special snap you have? The one is that is framed in the credit card window of your wallet. Or used as a faithful bookmark so that you might sneak a peek before you turn out the light. The portrait of your love taken at some relaxed moment; in a quiet beach-side bar after a day soaking up the rays, the sun clearly in her cheeks. Or after sex-on-a-Sunday afternoon, she is wearing an old sloppy T-Shirt of yours that emphasises her femininity. A soft smile, wide clear eyes looking directly at you, strong and satisfied from the intensity of your love.		strong and satisfied from the intensity of your love

Get rid of it. It isn�t a photo. It�s your excuse to dwell, a chain to the past. You are holding your hand over a candle, leaving a stone in your shoe that you�ve just got used to. Martin, a friend with a particular sense of humour would, after splitting replace his ex�s photo with his previous ex. This he felt helped you move on as the memories of them were generally fonder and free of the pain associated with you recent parting.

Therapy can take many forms and I recently found that an antidote to unhealthy nostalgia is context. Josh had been sleeping on my sofa for a month or so as a result of Maria and him parting. He had finally found a new flat and I leant a hand moving his many boxes. It was an exhausting day, not just because of the numerous boxes Mr Magpie had, but that Josh was clearly going through it. The new flat being a symbol of the end of love and not, as I tried to emphasise, a new and exciting chapter (the flat was v.cool).		an antidote to unhealthy nostalgia is context

We ended the day, surrounded by boxes, sitting on the hardwood floor, the curtainless windows giving a sweeping view of the twinkling city. Glasses of wine and cigarettes in our hands made it feel as if we were in a black and white French movie. Josh, picking idly through his stuff came across a box containing many packets of photos � �The Maria Period�. Before I could stop him they were strewn across the floor and he began rafting down the white water river of reminisce and regret. He sent the photos my way telling the stories behind them, what happened and where with funny, bitter and confused asides about Maria and himself.

Anger, tears, tenderness, temper were all expressed, many times. I felt some of it myself along with boredom and embarrassment over the photos that should have been kept in the special brown envelope (I still bump into Maria occasionally and can�t help but blush). As Josh became more incoherent with wine and emotion I found his bedding and made up his bed and persuaded him to turn in. I found some cushions and tried to go to sleep.		tears, tenderness, temper were all expressed

I awoke in the morning to the smell of fresh coffee, croissants on the table and a perky, buoyant Josh. Whilst I was drinking my coffee, cricking my back and fighting for focus Josh regaled me with how he felt. The night before had been beneficial he said. Hard, yes, but reliving it like that had reminded him not just of the love and fun but of things that in his heartbreak he had forgotten. The picture of an awkward Maria and his mother brought back the tension that was always there. The New Year�s Eve pics kindled the memory of a particular bitter argument about the future. And a naked Josh vacuuming served to remind him it was always him who was doing the domestic chores.

For Josh, the whole picture gave perspective. It shows you in turn that it wasn�t all unbridled lust and passion, wasn�t all fighting and hurting. Time and each other have changed you both. Do you recognise the face of the person you fell in love with in the face you said goodbye to? I had a brief, deep live-in-love, hello to goodbye in 12 months. The photos are interesting, my face at the beginning happy and radiant, at the end fat and surly. Her face at the beginning sparkling and girlish, at the end drawn and hard. And in between is a story of love, loss and learning. But, you know that special snap you have�		time and each other have changed you both
� Tim Towle, 2000. All rights reserved.
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